To Whom It May Concern
by Unraveling Angel
Summary: "I believe the girls need to take a good look at themselves and assess their lives from their point-of-view before their sessions next week. This should give me a better idea of each girl individually. I look forward to meeting you all."
1. Chapter 1

**To Whom It May Concern:**

"I believe the girls need to take a good look at themselves and assess their lives from their point-of-view before their sessions next week. This should give me a better idea of each girl individually. I look forward to meeting you all."

**Ok I'm trying something here. Try it you might like it. I'm not used to writing like this but I might make this a series of similar one-shots for each of the girls. The idea is that the therapist they have to see in this new season has asked them to reflect and write some things down about what made them who they are today. I hope you like it. It should be pretty obvious which one belongs to which girl but I won't say the names.**

You don't know where the line was crossed. It all seems blurred together once you take a moment to look back. You don't have much time to spare reminiscing so the memories whirl past fast as the speed of light, maybe even faster. You don't really want to know where you screwed up because that would be admitting you made a mistake and you do not make mistakes. Ok you do make mistakes...and you make a lot of them but this would be just one too many problem to deal with in that stupid therapist's office you still can believe you actually have to go to. Seriously, who gets court mandated therapy? Oh right…you do. That bitch's fucking retarded writing assignment is probably the reason for the lovely reminders of your screw ups…that or the fact you haven't eaten more than six-hundred calories today. Whatever the cause of the oh-so annoying flashbacks may be, they are driving you mad and all you want is to pull the memories from your head. But now that you entertained the thought you can't get it out of your head so you sit and try not to pass out.

You remember what it felt like to be ok after eating a meal. You don't understand how it could be possible that you ever felt satisfied after eating. You should've felt disgusted and ugly but you vaguely remember those pre-A days. But the A isn't for Alison or for the anonymous bitch who replaced Ali as the tormentor of your life. No. A now stands for Ana or most commonly known as anorexia, another bitch ruining your life but not through totally sketchy texts.

You remember the old days, the bad days when you were ugly (way uglier than you are now that you learned how to correctly apply cover-up) and fat (way fatter than you are now that you've trained yourself so well). You were Ali's little pet and so you went along with the vicious taunts of the teenage tormentor (the same one who was making your life hell) just so you could feel a part of something. You never really felt like a part of the group though-not that anyone would ever hear that confession. You just put on a smile and tried to pretend you were happy. And to be fair some of those days (the ones where you could trick yourself into thinking you were a part of something great and these were finally some real friends) were the best you can remember.

Then those days are gone in the blink of an eye. Alison is gone and the group is demolished, taken apart piece by piece until Aria is out of the country and Spencer and Emily have found something better to do than hang out with the loser you used to be. That's when you realized how pathetic you really were. Your entire group was a group of misfits but at least everyone else had another place they could belong. You didn't. That's when you befriended Mona. She too was a loner wanting to be more and with your help (but the tricks Ali had taught you weren't shared...they were your little secrets and they should stay that way) the two of you became popular. Or at least you did, she was just tolerated because you were accepted. And you wonder where it all went wrong.

You were just trying to become healthy. You wanted to be a cheerleader and not just any cheerleader. You wanted to be the flyer. You had seen the girls doing tricks in every pep rally. They looked so beautiful and carefree when they were up in the air like that. But you knew you were too fat for anyone to toss in the air. Luckily for you Alison had taught you her tricks. So you started cutting back your food, slowly and surely until you barely ate. And if you did slip up and eat that disgusting cookie, you knew exactly how to get rid of it. The pounds seemed to melt off and your popularity soared but no one knew your secrets.

Then the girls came back to you. You were hesitant to let them back in at first then those texts started and you got scared. You couldn't do it on your own. So you were all back together happily ever after and the little problems became even littler and happened less often.

Then there was the Sean thing. Your self confidence seemed great but you still felt like Hefty Hanna sometimes. It sure didn't help that he rejected you when you were practically pulling your clothes off and throwing yourself at him. All the drama with him made you start to eat like the pig you used to be and the old habits started to sneak their way back.

Then there was Lucas. Seriously? You weren't even good enough for him. You don't know why this bothered you but you hated the fact that someone you had once been friends with could hate you. That whole mess with him confuses you but the only thing you know for sure was that you weren't good enough. And it's probably because you were fat again so the calorie counting resumed.

And Caleb. Where to begin with him? Probably the fact that everything he did was done for money. He was spying on you and used you and toyed with your emotions until you loved him, like legit love not the pathetic high school kind that ends the next week. And you gave everything to him only for him to turn around and leave (not only your house but the state). You wished you had let him explain when you got home and found him packed waiting for you or ran to him at the bus and told him he couldn't leave. But he left anyways and without a goodbye. There were probably a few things that you could've done to keep that from ending the way it did but there's a whole lot that was out of your control. And the fact remains, you thought you had finally found someone who loved you and thought you were perfect and they left, took one last painful (at least for you) look at you, and boarded that bus to leave your life without saying anything.

You lost it after he left. You locked yourself in your room and didn't eat anything for at least a full day. Your mom finally got concerned enough to threaten to call the fire department to get you out. You moped around once you left your room, still refusing to eat. Your mom went along with it for a little while, knowing you would get hungry eventually. The girls did the same. Everyone thought you would be ok soon but you knew better. You knew this wouldn't just go away. Deep down you realized what you were doing could be bad for you but you were too preoccupied with the fact that Caleb left you after that night in the woods.

Now you can't even walk through the grocery store without feeling sick. You're always cold and your head never stops pounding. You wonder if you would be this way if your dad never left. You blame him for the over-eating. You also think of what life could've been like if you had your cliché movie moment with Caleb and he stayed. You blame him for the broken heart. And you blame the broken heart for the sudden flare up of your little tiny problems. But you can't blame any of that for the fact you were weak and pathetic enough to be affected by them. You take the blame for most things because you are too flawed for anyone to love. So why even try anymore? So the walls go back up and the fake smile becomes plastered on. You realize you'll be ok. And then you skip lunch because you can't be ok until you've lost those ten pounds that kept Caleb from loving you back.


	2. Chapter 2

**To Whom It May Concern:**

"I believe the girls need to take a good look at themselves and assess their lives from their point-of-view before their sessions next week. This should give me a better idea of each girl individually. I look forward to meeting you all."

**The first chapter was most definitely the easiest for me to write. It just flowed and I didn't have to think about it. The others are a lot harder (which is why they have taken for freaking ever) but I hope that doesn't show too much. Hopefully these next few chapters are good too. Anyway enjoy and review!**

There is no way to pinpoint the exact moment in time where you lost control…then again you never really had control. You were controlled like a puppet, and blindly followed because of the promise of a bright, happy future seemed worth it. You should feel like you've done something but you don't. You feel like you've wasted your life away.

The standards set for you are so high that you don't understand how they honestly expect you to meet them, but you bust your ass and get it done. You're top of your class, you don't drink or do drugs, and you've never gotten into trouble before this. You've been told you're perfect but if you're so perfect then why aren't you good enough for everyone?

Your friends probably don't really want anything to do with you. You had ditched them rather rudely after Ali went missing. How you thought you were so much better than them. Look at you now. You're crumbling the walls down to the real you-the insecure bitch you become under pressure-and they are starting to get really annoyed with you. But you can't help it. It's a defense mechanism built into your robotic type-A personality. And that's all your life is: pressure to be perfect.

Your parents don't even want you. They never take your side. And this hasn't really bothered you before. But now they won't even listen to you. They want to shut you up in your room, away from everyone who could listen to you. They're too afraid of their image as a family. Because how could they show their faces around the club with a daughter in prison for killing her best friend.

The bags and bags of college letters saying they want you is a lie. They want your name. They want your grades, your little black book of connections, and your dad's signature on that line of the check. They want to say look at our students, they are the best out there. They don't want you. They want what you can do for them. And when you graduate, they'll just want more money from their alum that will probably pay for a new library or chemistry lab in their name.

Except you'll never really graduate. You'll be in school forever focusing on the high degree hoping it will finally make your parents see your success. You can see yourself years from now, sitting in a plain room while the therapist tells you that this whole Ian thing and constant competition with your sister was your subconscious way of breaking the perfect shell your parents created. You'll be too busy to care and will just take the prescription they give you and pop the special pills daily. The girls will all be married with families of their own and you'll have to fake happiness at their weddings and baby showers and all sorts of special occasions they have. (At least you won't have to worry about decorating onesies and all that at Hanna's baby shower, her only babies will be her shoes.) It's just one less occasion for you to wallow in self-pity before going to alone. Because with so much time dedicated to whatever you decide to do, where will you find the time for a family let alone a steady boyfriend?

Odds are you wouldn't even be able to care about a guy in your life. You've been trained since you were little not to show emotion or weakness and be practically robotic perfection. You really aren't sure what it feels like to care about someone that way. Except him. He's different from all those other guys you've stolen from others. Sure this one is still a little stolen but he feels like he was always yours and will always be. But lately he's been distant. And sure you wonder why but you don't want to push it too much because you like having the control and if you push it enough you might lose the control and he might break up with you for a change. That would just crush you.

Everyone thinks you're just stealing the spotlight in some desperate cry for attention. They don't know how badly you really need it though. They see you as the little sister of Mrs. Perfect-but how much longer will that last? Soon you'll be known as the girl who killed one of her best friends and took the other three down with her. You'll be bringing Toby down too.

Why did you have to fall for him of all people? He really shouldn't be yours. You used to hate him. You used to think he was the killer. You used to think about how it would look when you were with him. But you stopped thinking about that a long time ago. Now all you can think about is how safe you feel with him-oh irony, it never fails to pop up in your life. You did warn Emily against being alone with him but now all you want to do is sit in his arms while he brushes the hair out of your face and whisper soothing words. He makes you freeze up-not in the bad way, it's more like a flood of emotion that stops you in your tracks and you have to take a minute to get your mind off the sudden Toby high.

You've never felt the way he makes you feel. Never. You don't understand how someone can make you feel that way but he does. He just has these amazing eyes that seem to pierce into you. He can just look at you and know something is wrong and those eyes will make you cut the crap and tell him the truth every time. He has a way of controlling you but it's not the same way everyone else controls you. It probably doesn't make sense-and you always make sense. He has flipped you all the way around.

Ugh…you've lost your train of thought…look at what this boy has done to you.

Right right…you were supposed to be assessing the situation and seeing how to cover your ass and be the perfect girl you should be. But you're getting sick of covering up everything for your family's reputation-it's not even yours.

Fuck it. You're going to tell the truth. You're going to tell everyone about Ian and A and Ali (and maybe drop in a couple things you've been hiding because they'll barely be noticeable in comparison). And if it ruins you that's just too bad. You're already a poor broken robot way beyond repair.


End file.
